My Next Chapter Begins.......

The Next Chapter

Life after divorce

I write this knowingly that I may be judged harshly by some. I am writing this to share something very deep and personal to my readers. In the early stages of my writing I was an open book with my life and I shared somewhat more personal stories. In many posts I spoke about a range of topics including my fears of pregnancy and getting my fitness shape back after having C-sections and other significant events in my life. I've made some shifts the last couple of years with my writing. I chose to use more of an informative and dryer tone sticking to subjects regarding strength training, kettlebell tutorials, and inspirational students or recipes. I'm finally ready to take the risk to open up to everyone and share with you a glimpse of my new life.

Ending A Marriage

A couple of years ago my marriage ended and I became a single parent. The moment we separated I felt as if I jumped off the highest bridge and dove head first into rough muddy waters. As a result, I experienced difficulty breathing, nausea, extreme highs and lows, and a considerable number of crying spells. I wasn't a crier before, so I felt I lost control. The tears of pain were filled with a frantic amount of guilt and fear. I felt utterly confused and crippled as to why a "strong" woman like me was having these low points of feeling so weak.

Processing the Stages

I'd like to highlight and make it known that ending a marriage, especially one with kids, is not the easy way out. It's hard on everyone. The only way I was able to cope was by visualizing and knowing that I'd be happier on the other side. As I swam water upstream and nearly drowned in the storm, I continued to focus on the beautiful island, the rainbow that awaited: The island of happiness, independence, balance, peace and harmony. Luckily with an incredibly supportive family and with friends who stuck by me, I was able to move through each stage. I want to deeply thank my friends that reached out to me without judgment and supported me during that time.

Discovering Self

After my separation/divorce, I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like a scared little girl. All I knew is that I was a mom and business owner. I had forgotten what it's like to be me. I felt as if I'd entered a new dimension like the twilight zone. My confidence was low and it was hard not to experience feelings of vulnerability. My judgment felt impaired at times and I didn't trust my own decisions. After some trial and error, I eventually discovered who I could trust along the way and the people I chose to surround myself with. Isn't that just part of life anyway?

Being Away from My Kids

As an overprotective and hands-on mom, just thinking about not being continually with my kids made me panic. When they were born I changed my whole career structure to be able to be around them as much as possible. Just the thought of not being able to kiss them every night before bed or be there when they woke up became a harsh reality. I found this to be the most painful part of all. I discovered during my time with my kids, the quality time that was spent was taken to another level.

The Storm

Dissolving a marriage is one of the most emotional and draining experiences for anyone. Just like when someone loses someone, there can be major grieving periods. In rare circumstances, I've heard of very peaceful and amicable parting of ways, which is the ideal. A true test of strength for me was being able to create a bubble of happiness around me, without it being punctured during the emotional hurricane. When each mini cyclone passed, I made an effort to have small victory celebrations. Celebrating love and happiness became my religion.

During the process of adjusting to my new life, my career took a huge dive. Creative skills and writing were nonexistent and I was completely drained. I used any energy I had to sustain the art of juggling kids, paying a slew of bills, and training my students. Writing and filming took the back seat. Luckily my students were very understanding during this major transitional time.

The Kettlebell Body fitness DVD was born during this time.  I was still in the middle of the storm, but felt pulled to create this DVD. The workouts were very empowering for me. I was beginning to get my strength back and my stress levels started to diminish. This was the start of regaining myself and physique. The 4 generations of powerful women that were featured all had gone through hardships in their lives, yet overcame them. 

Dating Myself

I created a new relationship with myself as I began to feel more whole and complete. Initially I was incapable of doing this. I was carrying bitterness around and banned the thought of ever getting married again. Dating myself was a very gratifying experience. Being alone forced me to rely on myself and develop a new level of independence. Relationships with my friends became stronger and much deeper during. My happiness levels became less of a roller coaster ride and much more consistent. I was beginning to feel like I could accomplish anything. Looking back over the years I realized more and more that discovering who I am again, was a gift from God.

Whole Again

Becoming whole again took time, along with the practice of letting go. Letting go of the past and guilt, while moving through a stagnant limbo state, became the key to feeling more complete. Doing it all on my own was an invigorating feeling. It was at this time my physical strength was at it's all time high. It was almost supernatural how physically strong I became and honestly I didn't even try that hard. I even wrote an article about it here. The most important part of all is that my precious girls were happy and were adjusting. They continued to thrive in school and make lots of friends. Knowing they had so much love surrounding them allowed me to move past the guilt I was carrying.

Opening My Heart

 I finally felt as if I became a strong woman inside and out with control of my feelings. Several months in to my new sense of wholeness, the impossible happened to me. I didn't ask for it. In fact, I didn't even want it, nor did I trust it. I sure as hell wasn't ready to feel vulnerable or dependent on someone. I was afraid of being hurt and didn't want to chance losing my sense of being whole. I had just healed, recovered from being in the frying pan and was finally enjoying ME!

Falling for someone that was on a very similar path as me, was the last thing I expected to happen. It was as if we had been riding tandem on the same wave and finally collided. I admit, I broke the student and teacher relationship rule, for the first time.  It wasn't until months in to his training journey, while the transformational process was in effect, did we form a friendship outside of training.

Our lives were revitalized in more ways than one. This is where Kettlebell Revelation stems from. My 8th DVD, represents a new beginning and a new chapter with my new partner.

Well...... The rest is history.....

Blessed to have more to love

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