I write this post today to share with you my imperfections, challenges, and personal struggles that I've been going through. I understand being open puts me at risk for people to judge me. Some will love me, some may hate me. That's what makes the world interesting, right? Life would be too dull if everyone shared the same opinions and personalities. We simply can't relate to everyone. I often have to remind myself that pleasing everyone is a battle that can't be won.
This year has been packed full of changes for me. Some very good, exciting, and many challenging. My first change was an experiment with my foods. I decided to take 100% animals out of my diet and see how I could survive on a healthy mostly gluten free vegan lifestyle. During my experiment I researched the hell out of plant based living and thriving without animal proteins. After all I was eating close to a Primal/Paleo type lifestyle before embarking on this journey. It was quite a shift for me to base my foods around mostly plants, nuts, seeds, and fruits. During my 6 months of vegan living I went through many shifts. I felt extremely energetic at times and other times I'd feel lethargic. My body began to start craving eggs, then fish, then free range poultry and finally grass fed meats. Very slowly I introduced eggs back in my diet, then fish. I was unable to add anything else. I ended up seeing too much of what happens with animals before we eat them. I already knew what happened behind closed doors at animal factories, but I didn't quite know to the extent of what I know now. My compassion for animals became so overwhelming to the point I was ignoring my body signaling me to eat some meat. I let this craving go and continued to tell myself that it's just a craving and I am at the point where I'm too grossed out to eat flesh of a dead animal. It was even difficult for me to eat eggs and fish without feeling weird about it. After all, I was surviving very well without it. My skin got smoother and more radiant during my vegan days. I also had such great role models thriving off of Vegan living. Some even raw vegan! Rock star strong figures like Mike Mahler, Jon Hinds, Ellen Stein, Melody Schoenfield, Robert Cheeke, Rich Rolls, Brendan Brazier, Mimi Kirk and many other inspirations who are walking the walk. I had to remind myself that we are all different. What works well for some will not work well for everyone. I came to terms and allowed myself to be flexible. After 8 months of no animal flesh I nibbled on some organic free range chicken. I sat by myself feeling a little guilty and chewed the flesh very well. It only took 1 ounce until I felt I had enough. My brain and belly felt very content after. My heart felt guilty. I felt bad for the chicken and I also felt as if I was letting my vegan/vegetarian friends down. After all, many people surrounding me transformed their own eating to animal free living because of my influence. They told me how much they love plant based eating. They described more energy and just enjoyed the lifestyle overall. They also expressed compassion about animals along the way. Currently I find myself eating vegan throughout the day without even thinking about it. It's just what my body is naturally driven to. Evenings I mostly eat vegetarian but will mix in an occasional egg, fish or piece of chicken once or twice a month. For over a year I haven't consumed any red meat. If I can get over the fact that it is flesh from a cute cow, I will make sure my first bite is from a humanely treated and grass fed cow. Red meat cravings have been happening on a weekly basis so I may have to act upon it at some point in the near future.
What I learned with this experiment is that I do best on a mostly plant based diet. If I have a craving for some animal protein it's okay to have it, but I don't need much. I can no longer call myself a pure vegan, pure vegetarian or even a pescetarian. If I had to classify myself at the moment I would fall in the category of a flexitarian. I know I'm letting some people down. I had some emails written by excited vegans telling me how happy they were that I was eating that way. I made sure to call it an experiment to not classify myself in any category. I have made some amazing discoveries and friends with stepping over in to vegan land. Discovered amazing ways to eat, cook and survive without a drop of animal protein. I don't regret this experience I had. I have also learned that there are wars and extreme judgements in the various eating cultures. Horrible things said to one another between meat eaters and vegan/vegetarian eaters. I was surprised to find arguments and insults thrown back between the raw vegan, high fat vegan, low fat vegan, and fruitarian communities! I understand people are extremely passionate about their beliefs. I have learned to keep my beliefs to myself in social situations unless someone asks me and wants my honest opinion. All in all, any eating lifestyle that has this much judgement on someone else's lifestyle is exhausting and I choose to live in my own category. Eat what my body feels like, the end!
Switching gears I wanted to open up and discuss some bumps in the road I have experienced. This year I have had a number of interesting things happen. The crazy thing is I can't even recall exactly how it happened. However, I believe much of it stems from stress and hormone imbalance, which I'm still working on. This year I've had my hand in a cast, then followed by a torn ligament in my wrist. My training has definitely lacked consistency due to these little injuries to start with.
I have been experiencing pain in my pelvic and lower abdominal area for over 6 months. In addition my stomach would puff out to the point that I'd look pregnant and it was really uncomfortable. Even with the strictest eating regimen including fasting, my stomach would stay the same. I knew it wasn't food. Finally I went to an OBGYN. If this is too much information, feel free to stop reading. After a thorough exam she found a mass in my uterus. I was sent to radiology where they found a fibroid tumor embedded in my uterus. The doctor gave me several "solutions". Her first solution was to give me a hysterectomy. She actually asked me if I was done having kids. I was floored by the question and I immediately told her, "I'm 32 years old and I don't think I'm ready to shut the door on that one yet." Next option was to have it taken out via surgery, which is similar to having another C-section. Her least invasive option was to scrape it out, yet leaving it to grow back. Really none of the options were something I was ready to face. This fibroid is pushing against my stomach causing a lovely domino effect of issues. The beauty of this news is it's not life threatening as we know. The disheartening part of this news is that my abs that I had are not my abs anymore. I am uncomfortable quite a bit. I share this information with you admitting that my body is far from where I'd like it to be. Thoughts that went through my mind were the fact that I was getting ready to do a complete photo shoot for my book in 2 weeks, then film Kettlebell Lightning DVD with Alex. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I couldn't hide it so here I am showing my imperfections to the world. It's no secret! The body I am carrying around is not one that I have strived for. Reminding myself that this is temporary is what keeps me sane. I plan on getting to the bottom of this and working towards naturally shrinking this fibroid, while dealing with my possible hormone imbalances.
It was very tempting to cancel important projects and hide. After all I didn't have the same "look" that I had. Mentally I was tired from this burden. Then I thought to myself, I'm only human. It's a bump in the road like anything. I will learn how to deal with it, get through it, and move on like I always do. The only difference is I will not let it stand in the way of projects that I already made commitments to. That would mean I would be quitting if I hid out and dropped everything. The world is just going to have to see that I am far from perfect and have issues as well. I am not here to teach people to be perfect and be someone I'm not. I will not put on a fake bubbly smile and entertain you with cheesiness. I am here to teach people to be better, give them strength, confidence, motivation, and show them if I can do it, they can do it. I will not sugar coat anything. This is me: a wife, mother, loyal friend, business owner, writer, creator, teacher, lover of kettlebells, snowboarding, and people. I'm a woman and most of all human.
This year has been packed full of changes for me. Some very good, exciting, and many challenging. My first change was an experiment with my foods. I decided to take 100% animals out of my diet and see how I could survive on a healthy mostly gluten free vegan lifestyle. During my experiment I researched the hell out of plant based living and thriving without animal proteins. After all I was eating close to a Primal/Paleo type lifestyle before embarking on this journey. It was quite a shift for me to base my foods around mostly plants, nuts, seeds, and fruits. During my 6 months of vegan living I went through many shifts. I felt extremely energetic at times and other times I'd feel lethargic. My body began to start craving eggs, then fish, then free range poultry and finally grass fed meats. Very slowly I introduced eggs back in my diet, then fish. I was unable to add anything else. I ended up seeing too much of what happens with animals before we eat them. I already knew what happened behind closed doors at animal factories, but I didn't quite know to the extent of what I know now. My compassion for animals became so overwhelming to the point I was ignoring my body signaling me to eat some meat. I let this craving go and continued to tell myself that it's just a craving and I am at the point where I'm too grossed out to eat flesh of a dead animal. It was even difficult for me to eat eggs and fish without feeling weird about it. After all, I was surviving very well without it. My skin got smoother and more radiant during my vegan days. I also had such great role models thriving off of Vegan living. Some even raw vegan! Rock star strong figures like Mike Mahler, Jon Hinds, Ellen Stein, Melody Schoenfield, Robert Cheeke, Rich Rolls, Brendan Brazier, Mimi Kirk and many other inspirations who are walking the walk. I had to remind myself that we are all different. What works well for some will not work well for everyone. I came to terms and allowed myself to be flexible. After 8 months of no animal flesh I nibbled on some organic free range chicken. I sat by myself feeling a little guilty and chewed the flesh very well. It only took 1 ounce until I felt I had enough. My brain and belly felt very content after. My heart felt guilty. I felt bad for the chicken and I also felt as if I was letting my vegan/vegetarian friends down. After all, many people surrounding me transformed their own eating to animal free living because of my influence. They told me how much they love plant based eating. They described more energy and just enjoyed the lifestyle overall. They also expressed compassion about animals along the way. Currently I find myself eating vegan throughout the day without even thinking about it. It's just what my body is naturally driven to. Evenings I mostly eat vegetarian but will mix in an occasional egg, fish or piece of chicken once or twice a month. For over a year I haven't consumed any red meat. If I can get over the fact that it is flesh from a cute cow, I will make sure my first bite is from a humanely treated and grass fed cow. Red meat cravings have been happening on a weekly basis so I may have to act upon it at some point in the near future.
What I learned with this experiment is that I do best on a mostly plant based diet. If I have a craving for some animal protein it's okay to have it, but I don't need much. I can no longer call myself a pure vegan, pure vegetarian or even a pescetarian. If I had to classify myself at the moment I would fall in the category of a flexitarian. I know I'm letting some people down. I had some emails written by excited vegans telling me how happy they were that I was eating that way. I made sure to call it an experiment to not classify myself in any category. I have made some amazing discoveries and friends with stepping over in to vegan land. Discovered amazing ways to eat, cook and survive without a drop of animal protein. I don't regret this experience I had. I have also learned that there are wars and extreme judgements in the various eating cultures. Horrible things said to one another between meat eaters and vegan/vegetarian eaters. I was surprised to find arguments and insults thrown back between the raw vegan, high fat vegan, low fat vegan, and fruitarian communities! I understand people are extremely passionate about their beliefs. I have learned to keep my beliefs to myself in social situations unless someone asks me and wants my honest opinion. All in all, any eating lifestyle that has this much judgement on someone else's lifestyle is exhausting and I choose to live in my own category. Eat what my body feels like, the end!
Switching gears I wanted to open up and discuss some bumps in the road I have experienced. This year I have had a number of interesting things happen. The crazy thing is I can't even recall exactly how it happened. However, I believe much of it stems from stress and hormone imbalance, which I'm still working on. This year I've had my hand in a cast, then followed by a torn ligament in my wrist. My training has definitely lacked consistency due to these little injuries to start with.
I have been experiencing pain in my pelvic and lower abdominal area for over 6 months. In addition my stomach would puff out to the point that I'd look pregnant and it was really uncomfortable. Even with the strictest eating regimen including fasting, my stomach would stay the same. I knew it wasn't food. Finally I went to an OBGYN. If this is too much information, feel free to stop reading. After a thorough exam she found a mass in my uterus. I was sent to radiology where they found a fibroid tumor embedded in my uterus. The doctor gave me several "solutions". Her first solution was to give me a hysterectomy. She actually asked me if I was done having kids. I was floored by the question and I immediately told her, "I'm 32 years old and I don't think I'm ready to shut the door on that one yet." Next option was to have it taken out via surgery, which is similar to having another C-section. Her least invasive option was to scrape it out, yet leaving it to grow back. Really none of the options were something I was ready to face. This fibroid is pushing against my stomach causing a lovely domino effect of issues. The beauty of this news is it's not life threatening as we know. The disheartening part of this news is that my abs that I had are not my abs anymore. I am uncomfortable quite a bit. I share this information with you admitting that my body is far from where I'd like it to be. Thoughts that went through my mind were the fact that I was getting ready to do a complete photo shoot for my book in 2 weeks, then film Kettlebell Lightning DVD with Alex. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I couldn't hide it so here I am showing my imperfections to the world. It's no secret! The body I am carrying around is not one that I have strived for. Reminding myself that this is temporary is what keeps me sane. I plan on getting to the bottom of this and working towards naturally shrinking this fibroid, while dealing with my possible hormone imbalances.
It was very tempting to cancel important projects and hide. After all I didn't have the same "look" that I had. Mentally I was tired from this burden. Then I thought to myself, I'm only human. It's a bump in the road like anything. I will learn how to deal with it, get through it, and move on like I always do. The only difference is I will not let it stand in the way of projects that I already made commitments to. That would mean I would be quitting if I hid out and dropped everything. The world is just going to have to see that I am far from perfect and have issues as well. I am not here to teach people to be perfect and be someone I'm not. I will not put on a fake bubbly smile and entertain you with cheesiness. I am here to teach people to be better, give them strength, confidence, motivation, and show them if I can do it, they can do it. I will not sugar coat anything. This is me: a wife, mother, loyal friend, business owner, writer, creator, teacher, lover of kettlebells, snowboarding, and people. I'm a woman and most of all human.
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Comments
Many vegans I know will be pretty uncompromising but, having been through a similar journey myself over the last 30 years I think you have found a healthy approach to eating that you can live with. I've been vegan, vegetarian, free range meat eating and then back to vegetarain again. At present no foods are banned, I mostly choose to eat vegetarain happily and this is easy to maintain.
I've also had fibroids-fortunately not until my mid-forties when I'd finished having children. So the choice to ignore was an easy one. This is a much harder choice for you, do what you think is right for you. Those who judge have not walked in your shoes.I hope all goes well and you are back swinging kettlebells with the energy you had before!
You are an inspiration to me and a great teacher! Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Janice Decker
I've been debating eating meat again (for health issues, anemia) after not eating red meat for 30+ years or poultry/pork for 20+ years. I struggle with some of the same emotional issues that you do. Do what YOU need to do and don't worry about others. You're putting this food into YOUR body and it's your choice, not anyone else's. If someone judges you for it, well, they have bigger issues and had better take a deeper look at themselves instead of judging you.
I've also just been diagnosed with fibroids for the second time. The first time when I was 40 I had them removed surgically through a C-section incision. One of the masses was unidentifiable and the doc thought it was my ovary so it could not be removed laparoscopically. I was in peak physical condition. That works to your benefit. I was out of the hospital in two days and back to work in two weeks. Full recovery took a bit longer. I have no doubt you will recover quickly, too, and be back at it at in full Lauren mode or better because of your experiences!
The one thing that has me concerned, however, is your doc recommending a hysterectomy right out of the gate! That's major surgery and it should be the last option, not the first. Unless you really trust your doc I'd get a second opinion.
Everyone goes through ups and downs in life, both emotionally and physically. It's awesome that you shared this with so many. I struggled with doing the same and am tentatively blogging about these very issues myself. My blog is so new I doubt anyone is reading it, but it took a lot of guts to post what I have so far so I understand how much courage it took for you to publish this post. I admire the hell out of you, Lauren!
Best of health to you!
Katherine
If you only knew how many of your fans/followers/customers out here in the real world can so totally relate to you now - you'd probably be amazed. The fitness world seems to be chock full of perfect people who can't understand why the imperfect masses can't just get it together. Inevitably they're young hard-bodies who just haven't lived long enough to hit the brick wall of reality - real life hasn't happened to them yet is all.
Fitness is not one-size-fits-all. With a perfect body with perfect hormones/endocrine system/joints/muscles, following most exercise programs and diet plans would achieve "perfect people" bodies. So many people have challenges, though, as you are finding out. Reading books or watching videos of the perfect people telling you what you're doing "wrong" is so disheartening when you're doing the best you can and you still look more like Elmer Fudd than like a supermodel.
Please don't give up. Take this challenge and do something with it. Help other people find their way through real life challenges. Be imperfect and revel in it. You'll help so many people if you do.
As for the vegan/non-vegan thing, no offense, but most of the world doesn't care one way or another what you eat or don't eat. I certainly don't. :)
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having health issues but I'm glad you've come to terms with opening up about them...if people have idolized you and are now suffering disappointment, that is most definitely their issue to resolve, not yours!
I just wanted to add something to yesterday's comments -
I didn't have fibroids, but I had endometriosis which was diagnosed at the ripe old age of 16. Really.
I suffered along through my 20's and 30's, hurting and sure pregnancy was always out of my reach. Then lightning struck and I got pregnant naturally at age 37 - no pills, shots, nada! I have an beautiful 8-year old daughter now.
The aftermath of my pregnancy was hell. Because of the hormone surge, my endo raged out of control and became stage 4 - invasive. On my bladder, colon, wrapping around my kidneys. Bad, serious stuff. I did eventually have a hysterectomy at age 40. I feel great now and am fit and healthy. Am I a poster child for having flat abs? NO. I will struggle with the after effects of the hysterectomy forever. Weight loss is harder now than ever.
My understanding is that there is better treatment for fibroids than for endo. Please find a doctor who will work with you. Hysterectomy should be the FINAL OPTION, and then only when you are ready. I was ready, and I'm still happy with my decision.
Good luck!!!!
Mary
In my opinion, the less you use energy for striving to be physcially perfect or striving to follow the rules of some lifestyle or other, the better.
And take care of yourself! :-)
Speaking to your food struggles (if you will), I can totally relate. Currently I am a recovering vegetarian, but still prefer veg to meat as I am very affected and disturbed by CAFO (Concentrated Animal Feedlot Operations). I know choose only to eat meat that was pastured, grass fed AND finished, etc...
I just read a great book called The Vegetarian Myth. The author was a 20 year vegan. It details her process back to meat eating, and she totally supports small farmers and is opposed to agriculture. It is a heartfelt book, and it really helped me not feel alone in my confusion between what my body was needing and my heart was wanting.
Please consider seeing an acupuncturist/herbalist who specializes in womens health.
"Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." -Dr. Seuess
People seem to be more passionate about eating than politics or religion. I totally understand what you say when you talk about not mentioning your eating around people unless they ask. It always amazes me how simply eating differently than you did before (no matter how) seems to make people act as if it's a personal attack. I've struggled with which dies is right for me also...I was almost vegan when I went through a whirlwind of health problems, many of which were caused by the stress I put on myself about what my heart felt, what I thought was healthy, and what was actually best for my body. I learned to really take to heart that my eating affects no one else but me, and I need to listen to my body and take care of it in the best way I know how. I had to add meat and dairy back in because it was affecting my health to leave it out, no matter how many nuts, seeds, different grains, fats, and fruits and veggies I ate. In my research and findings I read that there are only about 10% or less of people who can healthfully be a vegan because our bodies are not all the same and we process things differently. I think there is a lot of push right now for a plant based diet and that most of that push is good, but it can get too extreme and it's good to really take a step back and listen to your body and do what's right for you.
As far as the fibroid tumor, I am with everyone that says a hystorectomy seems hasty and you should go for a second opinion. I had a softball sized tumor removed through an emergency surgery (similar to a c-section) because I went into the ER thinking I had appendicitis (I'd known something wasn't right for years, but every doctor I saw kept telling me it was UTIs) and finding out I had a tumor twisting (torsion) my ovary, cutting off its blood supply. It had to come out or I would lose my whole ovary. I had the tumor and 25% of the ovary removed and went home that day. The real recovery was a process though, similar to what I would picture C-section recovery (I've only had vaginal births lucky me). I would have done it sooner knowing how much better I felt after it was out. I was told by doctors that birth control hormones (especially in pill form, which I took briefly right after I got married) can cause fibroids to grow. I probably had it my whole life and it never bothered me because it was so small until pretty much fed it hormones.
Hormone imbalance is no small thing. I would recommend being very careful how you treat it because it can wreak havoc if you do it incorrectly, and I don't believe there is any "only way" to do it...it's just different for everybody.
My cousin who is 25 (I'm 26) had a fibroid tumor removed a few months later than me. It had grown to the size of a cantalope. She was told it wasn't cancerous, but when they tested it after it came out, they found that it was cancer and she went through chemo and radiation, the whole bit. She has recovered now and even had a baby since then and she is so grateful she opted to take it out. Cancerous fibroids are rare, but they can happen. Please just be aware of that as you being your journey of tough decisions and lots of emotions.
Going through all that stuff is such a humbling experience. I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but those experiences brought me closer to God and taught me to rely on Him more and to listen to what He was trying to teach me. I realized I was being guided and if I listened and followed His promptings, I was led in the right direction. He never failed me and was always there. He is always there. :)
I will keep you in my prayers. You are a beautiful person - inside and out - and although you are hitting some "bumps" in the road, you will come out of this a stronger and better person. Just hang in there and know that there are people all over cyberspace pulling for you! Hugs!
I hope you have people in your life you can lean on during this time--lean on them and know that you are strong and capable and you will make the right decision for yourself and your body. Know also that your true fans won't judge you for your appearance or what you choose to eat (or not eat), but rather offer you their support. Those who do judge you are not worth the time or mindshare!!
Much love!
Also, I share your POV about loving plant based diet but not totally restrictive. Craving meat is in our instincts, but life is too short to beat yourself up and feel guilty about who you are.
Second of all, never, ever feel bad about doing what you need to do. Your body is different from anyone else's body, and you need to do what is right for you. You are doing the best thing for your health, and keeping your morality in mind as you do so, and that is all you can do!
I'm going to ask one of my professors if he knows something you can do about the fibroids that you are not already doing. There might be a magic bullet somewhere that will make you feel better and help normalize your hormones. I know he's had a lot of success with fibroid patients.
Anyway, love you, and hope you know that you are absolutely amazing. I admire and respect the heck out of you. <3
i agree that we need to learn to listen to what our body needs and adjust what we feed it regularly. it's so funny to me how ppl get so religious about food.
and thank you for modeling how to make peace with your body's "imperfections"
http://rawfoodsos.com/2011/09/22/forks-over-knives-is-the-science-legit-a-review-and-critique/
http://rawfoodsos.com/2010/07/07/the-china-study-fact-or-fallac/
Please note that Denise is NOT from the Paleo community but a raw foodist but she knows how to read statistics! Maybe that helps to feel better about including some animal food anf to justify ypu decision!
Thank you!
Tanya
Love,
Lauren